"The degree to which you are willing to embrace the pain of recovery (healing) is the degree to which you will recover. Your fruitfulness is at stake." - Christine Caine
There are times in our lives we need to take a time out from everything and just be still. I had been running from myself for so long, I'd lost sight of the person I proclaimed to be. The confident person in my mind had taken a seat in the audience while she was waiting to read her script.
After my last failed relationship, that confident woman I knew I could be had taken over. "CUT, ENOUGH OF THIS ISH!” It was time to ask myself some hard questions. I could no longer hide from the fact that I didn't know my own worth, nor did I have that Godesteem™ in the way I thought. And, most of my relational choices, my marriage earning an Emmy nomination, reflected just that. I was staring, and had won Oscars, in movies and skits that I had written, and produced, at the expense of my self-worth. I can recall back to this one script I saw myself as the co-star living happily ever after in a life of bliss. That’s until I found out I was just an extra while he was entertaining another to play the role of his Mrs.
The participation in that relationship represented a turning point in my life. It became one of my most difficult heartbreaks, which led to a vicious cycle of self-sabotaging behavior and unhealthy vices. For starters, I lowered my standards by reducing the role and expectations for my leading man. And after years of drama, denial, heartache, and disappointment, I felt like I had become more of a supporting actress than a leading lady. That’s because I had entertained 'situationships,' allowing certain characters to play a role they didn’t fit. The sad part is, we both knew they weren’t trying to make a box office hit. If anything, all they wanted was a short role in a skit.
My heart was crying out for unconditional love, and I was ready to surrender. I asked God to show me His way because I couldn’t deal with another pretender. I knew there had to be more to life than this ISH. Then, I asked God to show me how I ended up with a different script. It was necessary for me to surrender for sanity so I could put everything on the alter. I needed God to deliver me from me. That's when I realized I was still seeking validation from my childhood years, and my neediness came across as desperate.
It was also brought to my attention that I didn’t know the difference between being strong verses resilient. Therefore, I was carrying enough weight, mentally, emotionally and physically, that could kill an elephant.
While going through my transformation process, God said I don’t have to be strong anymore. I can give it all to Him. Then, it all made sense why no one chose me. God said until I see me, He’ll make it so no one else goes the distance with me. He said I wasn’t ready because I was looking everywhere but on the inside for someone else to love me. On top of all that, I was rewinding the soundtrack of hurt, pain & disappointment to the point that it had become a part of me. God told me it was necessary to take the time to grieve my hurts and pains so I could forgive and move forward. That's when I began to recognize it was the love God had for me that kept me sane.
This journey allowed me to properly grieve and own my truths. And, to be okay with expressing and not suppressing in order to see my way through. I’m not a victim, and I’m not blaming anyone for the negligent choices I made. It was time to be proactive and take full responsibility because I didn’t have to accept what came my way.
It was during that time He gave me the strength to shut down the theatre and put the spotlight on me. That’s when I dedicated my life to Christ, July 2019. And, getting baptized as an adult in August 2019 has been one of the best decisions I ever made for the life God has so graciously spared me.
As time progressed, healing took center stage by way of making God my leading man. Then, Godesteem™ showed up and showed out as I began to re-write my new script. The way God works is truly amazing. Who knew the whole time He was revealing my purpose through my pain. He even made it clear that everything I went through was a dress rehearsal and never a game. He turned my pain into purpose by using everything I went through, including the screenplays I directed, for my own good.
“Are you ready to build your new foundation for the role He needs you to play? Or, are you going to keep auditioning for roles that only make you, temporarily, feel good?”
My Vision is to see you attracting the healthy relationships you desire as you walk boldly in purpose serving God and others.